The tears started flowing down my face. I couldn't help it. She was gone. No matter how much my husband and daughters wanted her back, she wasn't coming back. Death sucks.
As I logged onto Facebook this morning, that little birthday cake popped up with my mother-in-law's name next to it. Yes, today is her birthday. I clicked on her page and scrolled down reading the messages and looking at the pictures. Then, I came across this...
Words written by my husband just two months after she passed away. Short, sweet, and to the point. But I know he was hurting inside… missing her so very much. I know because he's quite outspoken. Not when you actually talk to him, but when he's writing. Passionate about his emotions. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. His words so moving, they bring you to tears.
As I scrolled some more, I found a post he wrote on the first Mother's Day after her death.
That's when the tears started flowing. His words filled with emotion but also some guilt. At least that's what I thought as I read it. We felt guilty we didn't get to spend as much time with her as we would've liked. As I'm sure THEY would've liked, too. It's the whole reason we moved closer to our families… to see them more often. We did, but just not often enough.
I have a much different outlook on life than my husband and my parents who will put things off until next time. I live each day as if it were our last. One example is the day we got engaged. It was our first day off together since moving to our new state. Our first day off together in 9 months. So I wanted to make the most of it… float down the river, go to the water park, eat out at a restaurant. Since Brian and I worked opposite shifts and different days, we hardly ever shared a meal together. Scratch that. We hardly did anything together. We were too busy working or sleeping. But we tried to make the most of it.
For some reason, I have always feared something bad will happen to my loved ones. I fear I may not see them again when I leave for work. I've had this fear for quite some time. Then tragedies like Sandy Hook Elementary happen and it puts an emphasis on the fact that my fear can become a reality. It's why I always kiss my husband and daughters before either of us leaves the house. It's why I don't like to go to bed angry. It's why I try to cram so many activities into the few, rare days we have off together. It's because I want what will eventually be our final moments together to be memorable, happy, loving ones. It's so I don't ever have to think, I wish I would've spent more time with them.